Goodbye Torino

And so another Olympics has come to an end. If you aren't in the least bit interested in the Olympics, tough. This is my blog and I'll post about what I want.

I don't know why it always makes me a little sad to see the Olympic flame extinquished; perhaps because we live in a world where we may not live to see it lit again. How is it that people from all over the world can come together and live in peace for two weeks for the Olympics, but the governments of the world can manage to live in peace with one another for two hours?

Anyway, thank you Torino for sharing with us your people, your culture and your country.

Guns don't shoot people...

Sorry, I just couldn't help myself.

The State of The World Address

WARNING:

The following post has been rated S for Satire

It may contain content not suitable for young children, Right Wing Conservatives and the humor-impaired.

Viewer discretion is advised.

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Tonight, we come together to discuss the State of the World. The world is a big, scary place. In the Middle East, specifically in Iraq, there is a new threat to the survival of mankind. That threat is the Magical Disappearing Weapons Of Mass Destruction© (patent pending). These Magical Disappearing Weapons Of Mass Destruction, or MDWOMDs, have the firepower to be launched in the Iraqi desert and destroy the United States.

What makes them so deadly and so dangerous, though, is the fact that the MDWOMDs also have the ability to disappear into thin air, leaving behind not so much as a tire track. Scientists are unsure if the MDWOMDs actually shift into another phase of reality or if they teleport directly into Syria. Efforts to uncover the secret of the MDWOMDs and to form a way to track them is made more difficult by the fact that only one person in the world has the ability to see the MDWOMDs, and that is the President of the United States.

Speaking of the President of the United States, the warrant-less wiretapping efforts there have resulted in over 5,000 American citizens having their phones tapped because they were making or receiving calls from al Queda operatives. At first glance the number seems high, but it appears that al Queda also runs the telemarketing company that always calls while you're eating dinner.

Global Warming is another important topic which we cannot ignore. President Bush has denied the existence of Global Warming, which appears to have pissed off Global Warming to the point that we are experiencing one natural disaster after another while Global Warming proves to the world that it does, in fact, exist. The strongest evidence offered up to prove Global Warming does exist comes from the fact that President Bush lost a major American city not to the threat of terrorists but to the ruthless and elusive enemy, Standing Water.

Tonight, we find ourselves dangerously close to World War III. Iran wants to remove Israel from the face of the earth and wants to restart its nuclear program, and far too many countries whose governments don't like each other already have nuclear weapons. How ironic that it now appears mostly likely that a cartoonist from Denmark, and not some military invasion or 'first strike', will be responsible for starting the chain of events that could lead to WWIII.

In closing, let me say that the current State of the World seems to be "F**ked Up Beyond Belief". Our best hope for recovery is to end the reign of the Bush administration and free the American people.

The land of the not-so-free?

Who would have imagined that the United States of America, the shining beacon of freedom to so many in the past who yearned for a better life, who longed to live "the American dream", would one day find itself the land of the not-so-free.

I'm referring not only to the Bush administration spying on American citizens without warrants, but to the other violations of our privacy which we just haven't found out about yet. Do you honestly think it was limited to the wiretaps that the New York Times finally reported about? (A spying program which the NY Times was well aware of prior to the 2004 elections, but which they kept the lid on AT THE REQUEST OF THE WHITE HOUSE! Can anyone say 'conspiracy'?)

Now I have no problem with the government listening to my phone calls or going through my emails. I'm certain I haven't communicated with al Queda or called upon anyone to overthrow the government. But if that is all that President Bush was interested in, why didn't he get a warrant? The only reason I can think of is because he knew that the request for a warrant would be rejected.

As I said, I don't care if the government wants to listen to my phone calls if all they are interested in is terrorist activity. But what if they also catch my conversations on the topic of the Iraq war, the budget cuts to programs for the poor and education, or the strong desire to invade Iran? I can guarantee you that my comments are not in President Bush's favor. Am I to believe that a President who secretly spies on his own people domestically and without warrants wouldn't use that kind of information to his benefit? Imagine what he could do if he could catch the right phone call or the right email that got him into the middle of a conversation between his political enemies.

Surely that kind of spying would have to be done without a warrant, wouldn't it?

According to President Bush, he didn't do anything illegal because the Constitution gives him the power to carry out domestic spying because we are at war. Now I've read the Constitution, and I can't find anywhere that it says in time of war the Constitution gets tossed out the window. The President took an oath to protect, preserve and defend the Constitution. Acting in violation of the Constitution hardly qualifies as preserving it.

Oh, and in case anyone is giving the president advice, you might want to tell him that it would have been more convincing if only the Attorney General had been sworn in for his testimony. I know that I generally don't believe what someone says if they refuse to be sworn in. Perhaps he wanted to be sure there couldn't be any perjury charges...

Adventures in Bush-isms Part II

"Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better."

Considering Canada and Mexico don't actually share a border...

"The suicide bombings have increased. There's too many of them."

And just how many suicide bombings would be 'just enough?

"One of the interesting initiatives we've taken in Washington, D.C., is we've got these vampire-busting devices. A vampire is a...a cell deal you can plug in the wall to charge your cell phone."

I believe that those of us in 'reality' call that a 'charger'.

"My administration has been calling upon all the leaders in the...in the Middle East to do everything they can to stop the violence, to tell the different parties involved that peace will never happen."

Not on his watch, anyway.

"It's amazing I won. I was running against peace, prosperity, and incumbency."

Ah yes, the good old days before war, poverty and idiocy.

"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it."

This is America, we should be aiming for 100% success!

"First, we would not accept a treaty that would not have been ratified, nor a treaty that I thought made sense for the country."

Nope, not having anything to do with stuff that makes sense.

"I do remain confident in Linda. She'll make a fine labor secretary. From what I've read in the press accounts, she's perfectly qualified."

And I base all my decisions on what the press says, because I'm the President and I don't have time to look that kind of stuff up myself.

"I'm the commander — see, I don't need to explain — I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president."

Hee hee...I can tell you all to go f**k yourselves because I'm the commander, hee hee.

"People say, how can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil? You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in's house and say I love you."

What, was Osama bin Ladin a lonely shut-in who formed a terrorist network because no one came to see him and say I love you?

"You see, the Senate wants to take away some of the powers of the administrative branch."

But I'm not going to let them because I am the all-powerful President.

"We ended the rule of one of history's worst tyrants, and in so doing, we not only freed the American people, we made our own people more secure."

???

"The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself."

And no one has the right to terrorize himself, that's our job.

...To be continued...

Adventures in Bush-isms Part I

Just because when President Bush speaks he makes me laugh, here are my favorite Bush-isms:

"If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything! If you don't stand for something, you don't stand for anything!"

Following this logic, if I stand for something, I stand for anything and if I stand for anything, I stand for something. Right?

"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program."

Well if it's not a federal program then would you please tell the federal government to stop taking so much out of my paycheck for social security?

"It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet."

I have not come across any dark dungeons on the Internet, nevermind ones with children living in them. How would one live in a dark dungeon ON THE INTERNET?

"Bill wrote a book at Yale. I read one."

I'm betting there's only one book in the library at Yale that has pictures in it.

"I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children."

Anyone???

"It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas."

Funny thing, most stuff that is foreign comes from overseas. Otherwise it wouldn't be foreign. It would be dom-es-tic.

"The best way to relieve families from time is to let them keep some of their own money."

Isn't that generous? The President says we get to keep some of our own money.

"I'm gonna talk about the ideal world, Chris. I've read — I understand reality. If you're asking me as the president, would I understand reality, I do."

Don't generally live there, but do understand the basic concept of reality.

"The fact that he relies on facts — says things that are not factual — are going to undermine his campaign."

That must be the logic that got us into war with Iraq.

"It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of human cloning to come out of that chamber."

Who would want to clone a Senator anyway?

"They didn't think we were a nation that could conceivably sacrifice for something greater than our self; that we were soft, that we were so self-absorbed and so materialistic that we wouldn't defend anything we believed in. My, were they wrong. They just were reading the wrong magazine or watching the wrong Springer show."

The terrorists watch Jerry Springer?

"My trip to Asia begins here in Japan for an important reason. It begins here because for a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times. From that alliance has come an era of peace in the Pacific."

Umm...anybody else remember a little thing called World War II?

...to be continued...