The State of The World Address

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Ladies and Gentlemen:

Tonight, we come together to discuss the State of the World. The world is a big, scary place. In the Middle East, specifically in Iraq, there is a new threat to the survival of mankind. That threat is the Magical Disappearing Weapons Of Mass Destruction© (patent pending). These Magical Disappearing Weapons Of Mass Destruction, or MDWOMDs, have the firepower to be launched in the Iraqi desert and destroy the United States.

What makes them so deadly and so dangerous, though, is the fact that the MDWOMDs also have the ability to disappear into thin air, leaving behind not so much as a tire track. Scientists are unsure if the MDWOMDs actually shift into another phase of reality or if they teleport directly into Syria. Efforts to uncover the secret of the MDWOMDs and to form a way to track them is made more difficult by the fact that only one person in the world has the ability to see the MDWOMDs, and that is the President of the United States.

Speaking of the President of the United States, the warrant-less wiretapping efforts there have resulted in over 5,000 American citizens having their phones tapped because they were making or receiving calls from al Queda operatives. At first glance the number seems high, but it appears that al Queda also runs the telemarketing company that always calls while you're eating dinner.

Global Warming is another important topic which we cannot ignore. President Bush has denied the existence of Global Warming, which appears to have pissed off Global Warming to the point that we are experiencing one natural disaster after another while Global Warming proves to the world that it does, in fact, exist. The strongest evidence offered up to prove Global Warming does exist comes from the fact that President Bush lost a major American city not to the threat of terrorists but to the ruthless and elusive enemy, Standing Water.

Tonight, we find ourselves dangerously close to World War III. Iran wants to remove Israel from the face of the earth and wants to restart its nuclear program, and far too many countries whose governments don't like each other already have nuclear weapons. How ironic that it now appears mostly likely that a cartoonist from Denmark, and not some military invasion or 'first strike', will be responsible for starting the chain of events that could lead to WWIII.

In closing, let me say that the current State of the World seems to be "F**ked Up Beyond Belief". Our best hope for recovery is to end the reign of the Bush administration and free the American people.