In Case of Terrorist Attack

Since the government is once again trying to distract us all from what is really going on by yelling, "Look, over there! Shiny keys...err...terrorists are going to get you!", I thought it would be a good idea to post my In Case of Terrorist Attack information sheet, because I am far more entertaining than the people that write government websites.

What should you do in the event of a terrorist attack?

If you see a large aerosol can spraying an orange substances, don't run away! Take a moment to ponder whether this could, in fact, be hazardous to you.

The secret to opening the emergency exit is to give it a karate chop at the top, middle and bottom.


No matter what floor you are on, the elevator does not stop on your floor and is cutoff by walls.


Head straight for the exit, or run around the room before leaving?


Luckily, there is no door leading to the contaminated area. Unfortunately there is no door leading to the shelter either. How did you get into a room with no door?


In the event of a terrorist attack, fire trucks will be equipped with ladders and bongs.


Find the small desk with the heaviest monitor sitting on it and crawl underneath.


If you are trapped beneath rubble, use your flashlight to make shadow puppets.

While trapped in a confined space, try not to fart.


In the event of a nuclear blast, swerve into the bike lane and continue to drive towards the blast.


Hey, if it could work in Back to the Future, why not give it a try? A live power line may be just the boost you need to go to the past and prevent this terrorist attack.


Radiation will try to lure you with its siren song. Fortunately, a piece of sheetrock will block its call and keep you safe.


Microwave humans on high for 5 minutes 12 seconds.


Radiation makes you grow taller -- watch your head!



The white tents are for appearance only. If you need medical attention, please lie down on the ground outside of the nice white tent -- we don't want to get them dirty.


No, you still cannot see the file that the government created on you based on the warrantless wiretapping.



Do not offer anal sex to the terrorists. You'll only regret it in the morning.

Remember: Pillage, then burn.

Pop Quiz! Which of these items does not belong?
a) biohazardous material
b) dead fish
c) hurricanes


Decide now where you want to have sex when the terrorists strike so you don't waste time.


The Golden Gate Bridge is not a terrorist target.


Texas, however, is.

So what can we do about it?

This is my Tuesday topic -- What can we do about changing the way things are?

How can you and I end this pointless, endless war before another 3,333 U.S. soliders die? What can the ordinary citizens do to stop George Bush and Dick Cheney? Protests? Blogs? Let's be honest, no blog is going to change politics or get us out of Iraq, no matter how much we would like to believe that we are making a difference. Bloggers open the diaglogue and get conversations started in the hopes of getting people to think, but that is all that we can do.

Protests don't do much either. Oh sure, a good protest rally (especially one that gets national coverage) sends a message to Washington and to the White House. The problem is that the White House has given us the proverbial finger and no matter what message the people send to the White House, Bush and Cheney are going to do as they please.

What are we supposed to do?

Politicizing the Virginia Tech Massacre

Let me begin by saying that I am still shocked about what happened today. No, I didn't know anyone there, but things like this really drive home just how unsafe we all are, and just how fragile life is.

Earlier today I went to the MSN message board about the shootings and it was appalling. People were posting about it like it was a joke..."ROFL why are you all surprised?" and "32 dead, not bad, not bad at all but could have been better". Anyone who is sick enough to not only think that way but post it deserves to be shot in the head. Sorry, but killing someone like that would have been better for society than killing those 32 college students.

Then there were the political posts -- it's President Bush's fault, it's the NRA's fault, if we outlawed guns this wouldn't have happened, if the students/teachers inside had been armed this wouldn't have happened, we need to bring prayer back into the schools, we need to stop praying to a god that doesn't exist...to all of these 'blame the other side' posters I have one thing to say --

WOULD YOU ALL PLEASE JUST SHUT THE F**K UP!

Thirty-two lives were lost today (I don't count the gunman, he took his own life and deserves whatever fate awaits him). Thirty-two families are mourning the loss of a son, daughter, brother, sister, neice, nephew, aunt, uncle, mother, father, or friend. Show a little respect for their grief and their loss and stop trying to turn this into something political that you can use against your enemies.

You want to know why this happened? Re-read what I said above about the posts on MSN. Society no longer cares about the loss of human life. We're all so disconnected from one another that 32 people dying means nothing to us. Why is it that very few people took the time to think about those lives lost, those families shattered, and just offer their sympathies, regardless of political affiliation?

And now, my responses to a few of the comments that were on that board:

To those who said that having a few students/teachers with concealed weapons would have stopped the gunman before he killed so many: Most likely it would only have resulted in more deaths when the 'good guy' panicked. Let's not forget that the police wouldn't know who was the good guy and who was the bad guy and would have (IMO justifiably) shot anyone they saw with a gun.

To those who said that outlawing guns would have prevented this: News flash - possessing and using cocaine, marijuana and heroin is against the law, yet there is no shortage of people buying, selling and using these drugs. Outlawing guns would have the same affect on shootings that outlawing drugs has had on people getting high.

To those who said that prayer needs to be returned to the classroom: For the truly faithful, prayer can never be removed from the classroom, or anywhere else, unless you believe that God can only listens to what comes out of your mouth and not to what is in your heart or on your mind.

To those who said that this happened because people aren't intelligent enough to stop praying and realize that there is no God: And just how is losing one's faith going to stop something like this?



To the friends and families of those lost and those injured, my deepest sympathies. You are in my thoughts and yes, my prayers.

Huh?

Sometimes you come across something that just makes you wonder just how stupid people are. My latest was the brochure that was included with a Visa gift card. Yes, my gift card from Wells Fargo came with it's very own Wells Fargo Visa Gift Card Agreement and User Guide.

It contains some userful information, such as "Although your Card is a debit card, it will not work with debit payment systems that require a personal identification number (PIN)." Stuff like that you need to know. It tells about how they start charging a fee if you don't use all the money within 12 months, and they charge a fee if you lose the card and they have to issue you a replacement card, and they charge you $15 if you cancel the card and cash it out. Oh, and you can't use the card for 'gambling or any other unlawful activity'.

I can't use it for any unlawful activity? When did the criminals start accepting VISA? Is there a drug dealer out there set up to take credit cards?

I know the bank is just covering their own asses, but I really don't think using the card for 'unlawful purposes' is going to be that easy because the people who are breaking the law don't want the trail that a credit card would create.

But if the criminals did take credit cards, think how much easier it would be for the cops to find them.

What is wrong with us?

Really, what is wrong with us as a society when our biggest concern is not that war with (insert name of country George Bush and Dick Cheney are currently touting as 'evil') is looming on the horizon, our men and women are being killed and wounded every day in Iraq, Osama Bin Ladin is still on the loose (because George doesn't consider him to be important enough to look for), the Avian Flu is still a threat, spinach and peanut butter are more dangerous to your health than trans fats thanks to e. coli and salmonella, and what is the front page news? What is the headline of all the news websites?

ANNA NICOLE'S MOTHER GETS STAY TO STOP FUNERAL
LARRY BIRKHEAD ARRIVES FOR PATERNITY CASE
LAWYER ALLEGES 'FRAUD' IN SMITH BABY'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE
COURT: DON'T MOVE ANNA NICOLE'S BODY
STERN: ANNA NICOLE WAS MY BEST FRIEND

With all that is going on the world, and all of the things that NEED to be fixed (medical care, education, social security, our soldiers dying because they lack the property equipment and training, levees that are no closer to being in good shape than they were when Hurricane Katrina struck the Gulf Coast) our news is interested only in covering ANNA NICOLE SMITH?

She's dead, and those that loved her should handle their grieving and their disputes in PRIVATE. The outcome of this case is not going to impact anyone but her family. Hello, media, could you please cover stories that affect THE REST OF US and stop pandering to judges, her mother and her alleged boyfriends who are only looking for publicity? I can only hope that custody of her baby is either given to Howard Stern, the man that has been taking care of her, or that some judge makes her a ward of the court and lets her be adopted by a normal family. Her mother and Birkhead only want custody of her for the money that she stands to inherit.

Just my two cents.

Those hilarious right-wingers

Sometimes I wonder if Comedy Central realizes just how much of a threat Fox News is. Unfortunately I'm not talking about "The Half-Hour News Hour", either.

Picture this, if you will: a guest on one of the Fox News shows is saying that every day we are losing more and more American lives, and Ann Coulter very confidently announces, "No, we're not!"

Could someone please let those families of the dead soldiers know that according to Ann Coulter, we aren't actually losing any American lives in Iraq. I have no idea where anyone could have gotten that idea.

I must admit though, that her column at anncoulter.com actually contained a few factual statements. For example, she states that "Any idiot can run for president." This is undeniably true given that an idiot is currently serving as president.

Something that struck me as rather odd is that in her photo section, there is a picture of her posing with the marker for Senator Joseph McCarthy. Too bad that whole "fall of Communism" thing happened before we could have McCarthyism, Round Two, huh Ann?

If I could ask Ann one question, I think it would be this: Why don't you give up the hate angle and tell America what you good Hard-Right Conservatives are doing to make this country better? You've got plenty of examples of what Liberals are doing to ruin it, why aren't you Conservatives fighting to make things right?

Oh, and if you've never read one of Ann's books and are wondering if you should give her writing a chance, consider this little fact: her hardcover books can be found selling on Amazon.com used for as little as 29 cents.

Finally, as a tribute to Ann's amazing writing skills, I give you something to read: Jonah Goldberg on Ann Coulter.

A sad day

We are members of Catster (the cat site run by the same people who run Dogster) and we learned today that a very sweet, special kitty named Navin has passed away and gone to the Rainbow Bridge.

I don't know why that makes me so sad. Maybe it's because Navin's diary made me laugh so much. He and his Magic Pants were just too hilarious at times. Or maybe it's because we had been visiting Navin's page less lately because we were just too busy.

So busy that we didn't even realize he had been sick for the last few weeks, or that he had been diagnosed with feline leukemia.

Navin, we all love and miss you, and our thoughts and prayers are with your family. I know that you are at the Rainbow Bridge with the tail that you always longed for, running free for the Magic Pants are no longer required.

When toys attack...

The world is going to hell in a handbasket.

Okay, maybe not literally straight to hell, no matter how much some of the good Evangelical Christians may be trying to push up the schedule for the Rapture, but you know what I mean.

A major American city was brought to a stop by...gasp!... Light Brites? Yes, several devices which can only be described as...well, Light Brites with battery packs were placed in cities around the country to promote Cartoon Network's Aqua Teen Hunger Force. The Light Brites displayed characters called Mooninites (I think that's how it's spelled, anyway) giving the finger. Giving the finger the best that a Mooninite on a Light Bright can give the finger, anyway.


Do I think that officials in Boston over-reacted? Well, yes and no. I can certainly understand being alarmed to find the electronic things laying around. During the day, I suppose that an LED card (which would not really look like a Light Brite) and a battery pack could be suspicious, but would it have been so hard to investigate, realize what it was (are you telling me there was no one single person within the Boston Police Department that knows about Aqua Teen Hunger Force and didn't recognize the Mooninites?) and dismiss it as a prank at worse?

Do I think that Turner Broadcasting should get into trouble for this? No. They hired an advertising agency to come up with a marketing gimick, the agency came up with the gimick and hired to idiots to carry it out. We'll get to the idiots later. I've heard a lot of people say that Turner Broadcasting should have realized that this was a bad idea. Now unless you believe that villains actually think and plot the way that the villains in the Batman series and movies do, who would think of a Light Brite with a cartoon character giving the finger would make a clever bomb? The bottom line is that they hired an agency to come up with the idea, execute the idea and presumably deal with any issues that arose from the campaign.

Do I think that the advertising agency should get into trouble for this? Well...yes. Not for the idea, mind you. The only way I can imagine those LED thing-ies being even remotely dangerous is if The Joker was behind them (and only if The Joker was being portrayed by Jack Nicholson at the time that the Light Brite bombs were being assembled). The agency could have moved faster when the whole scare started, though, instead of seeing how many Mooninites the Boston bomb squad would blow up. Would it have been that hard to pick up the phone, call Boston and said "Listen, about those suspicious devices that you've found..."

Should the idiots that put the devices up get into trouble? Absolutely. Yes, they were hired to do a job, and that is what they did. But...they also were very much aware of the panic that those devices caused, and even videotaped what was going on while laughing at the chaos being caused. They should have come forward right away and put and end to the whole thing instead of revelling in the limelight and making their stupid comments after they were arraigned and released on bail.

I still do not understand how anyone could have looked at those devices and thought that it was a bomb, but I do understand being concerned about what it was. How paranoid have we become when anything that has lights and wires and batteries is assumed to be some weapon to destroy us? Everything could potentially be a bomb, so does that mean that I should dial 911 and report it if someone leaves the restaurant and forgets his cell phone? Should I be arrested as a terrorist if I put my old VCR out in the dumpster? I've still got one of those big, unweildly cassette player/recorders from the early 80's...I wonder if it could be used to rob a bank?

I don't need a lecture about this being a post-911 world. I'm quite well aware of what happened that day, and we've made the terrorists more successful then they ever imagined. When we use the events of that day as an excuse to panic about every little thing then we have put ourselves into a prison of our own design. There is a big difference between being observant and being paranoid.

You want to defeat the terrorists? Start by letting go of the fear and living your life.

Sometimes a Light Brite is just a Light Brite.

Strange Occurrences

Yes, I'm talking about the one thing that it seems EVERYONE is talking about, how Jennifer Strange died after taking part in a radio contest.

This whole saga (and it is indeed a sage) is just further proof of how screwed up the world is becoming.

First, we have the ill-conceived contest. Who came up with the idea? Maybe it was the DJ's, maybe it was marketing/promotions, maybe it was the station manager himself. We don't know. But hey, who hasn't had a totally fucked up idea? A few years back the Zone radio station had a contest where participants carved pumpkins...with chain saws. In comparison, drinking water seems pretty low-risk.

Someone had to approve this contest, unless you're willing to believe that the DJ's just went out on their own, got a wii and had people show up to drink large quantities of water in order to give the winner said wii. Surely the station has people who research these contests for possible risks before approving them...then again, we had pumpkin carving with chain saws, so perhaps that's not an assumption we should make.

The contest happened, Jennifer finally accepted the tickets to end the contest and yet in audio recordings, even after taking the tickets she still told the DJ's that she could drink more water if they wanted her to. They told her no, that she needed to not be drinking any more water.

Tragically, Jennifer was found dead by her mother. Thank goodness there were plenty of attorneys around to take up the case and prepare to file lawsuits against the DJ's, the radio station, and Nintendo (apparently this who tragedy could have been avoided if only they had kept the original name of 'Revolution', thus eliminating the possibility of a 'wee for a wii' contest). Next I suppose we'll hear that they are suing the water company for providing the bottled water.

An interesting sidenote to all of this is that the attorneys have filed a letter with the FCC asking that KDND (107.9 The End) lose their license. In the letter, the attorney points out that "...a cursory inquiry of any medical office by the station's management would have revealed the life threatening risks of the contest..." This is interesting because Jennifer Strange worked in a medical office. That means that by her own attorney's words she was the one person there that should have known the life threatening risks, yet she participated in the contest and in the very end was still saying that she could drink more water.

Keep in mind that we don't know everything that has happened. The coroner has said that Mrs. Strange's death is 'consistant with water intoxication'. However, the coroner's office has said that the cause of death will not be known for two or three months. Doesn't that strike anyone else as rather odd? Maybe they found something other than a whole lot of water when they did the autopsy. In any case, we don't know everything and until ALL of the facts are out in the open, we need to stop berating the station and the DJ's. And maybe pray for the three children that lost their mother. In all of this there has been no mention of the kids, just the father and the attorney looking for people to sue to get rich quick. The kids are the only innocent victims in all of this.

Welcome 2007...

I love January 1st. There's just something about the start of a New Year that gives me hope that things can change, that I'll do better and be better this year and something everything will just be...well, better.

I should know by now that things don't work out that way. I just spent the last month lamenting all of the things that are wrong in my life, and yet here I sit, willing to believe once again that I have another chance at getting it right. Will I succeed in 2007? I'll let you know when January 1, 2008 rolls around.

It was surprising to see absolutely NO POLICE out tonight. I was out and about until 11:45 PM (yes, made it home just in time to ring in the new year) and not one cop. Usually there are plenty of police and at least one DUI checkpoint, but I guess funds are low this year so not even a checkpoint the entire holiday season.

The cats totally freaked out because some idiots decided that New Year's Eve was a good time to shoot off fireworks. Not just little fireworks, like fire crackers or bottle rockets (both illegal, but I can get over it). I'm talking about fireworks shells like you see at a professional show being launched, and you know that it's not being done right when half of them fly over as a big glowing ball but never 'explode'. I just hope that if something goes horribly wrong, the only person hurt is the idiot shooting off the fireworks. Sure, I would prefer that even this idiot not get hurt, but if someone is going to get hurt, it should be the idiot and not an innocent bystander.

Darn, that sounded kind of mean and one of my New Year's resolutions was to be nice in 2007. Oh well...